Media Trolls Make the Naughty List: Tweet Them Their Lump of Coal

Yes, I admit it, I am way too proud of accumulating 41K+ Twitter followers and inappropriately boastful of the occasional death threat.  And, that Judd Apatow has retweeted me six times, causing my mom to say, “That Judd seems like such a nice boy.”  So, it’s no wonder I get asked, what do you do about those annoying Twitter trolls?  To help put a stop to the annoying trolling, whackos short on medication, and Presidents who shall remain nameless with nothing to do at 3AM except hit Twitter, here are a few helpful response tips:

Interesting… Yes, I see your point  

#ShitISayToWhackosSoTheyDontGoOverTheEdge: For the passive-aggressive folks out there, the “Interesting” part will draw them, the “Whacko” part will make them want to block you or hit the all-caps button to let out a primal scream. Think of them as being the model for the virtual version of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”

RSVFURT:  By putting FU in the middle of any response sequence, the troll will spend hours trying to figure out what the rest means.

DTFU:  By just changing the first letter of a well-known response, in this case from STFU, the image of the troll, probably on his futon in his parents’ basement, trying to figure out what the “new” word is will give you hours of pleasure.

VQJFTV:  This is a completely random sequence.  Anyone trying to figure out what it means will have the same experience a hamster has on a wheel without the same cardio advantages.

DFEWRS: Another completely random sequence to follow any response to the above random sequence.

TWDVO: Yes, another random sequence.

FREFWE:  You get the idea.  If a steady diet of this alphabet-soup approach doesn’t cause their professional mental advocate to up their dosage, nothing will.

FWTGIIW: My cat just walked across my keyboard.  He has a big, bird-eating grin on his face, so I’m assuming this is really insulting. If you don’t have a cat, then dogs, hamsters, or a pizza delivery person will do.

The Treaty of Slavbard:  In answer to any argument about foreign policy, refer to an obscure treaty.  The Treaty of Slavbard is one I like because the word “Slavbard” sounds like a beer or ale brand and makes me thirsty.

I repeat, The Treaty of Slavbard:  Expect the troll to look it up and not see its relevance.  Just repeat to any response from this point forward, “I repeat, The Treaty of Slavbard.”  Or, “I repeat, The Treaty of Slavbard, you might want to read the original Norwegian.”

*Yawn*: You’ll probably mean it, but, even if you don’t, who’ll know?  The very temerity of you yawning at their genius retorts will have them so flustered that they might consider moving out of their parents’ basement and getting a job.  Although, don’t count on it.

*Snore*: Any response to *Yawn* should be followed by *Snore*.  And every response from this point forward.  If you’re bored, “Loud Snore,” “Big Wet Snore,” and “I’m Afraid I’ll Wake Up Your Mama Snore” can all be used.

BDSM: Which stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism.” Like you didn’t know that.  Make sure it has absolutely nothing to do with prior conversation.  Guaranteed to get them searching for their safe word.

Hopefully, I’ve done my part to make those once unpleasant social media exchanges with trolls, nut jobs, and the occasional tin-foil, cap-wearing uncle into sport during this holiday season.  And, if you don’t agree, what can I say, except, “Interesting… Yes, I see your point.”

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Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. DENIS MUKWEGE to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, HuffPost Comedy, The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, and Humor Times; written and/or produced for multiple TV shows; and written stand-up material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, onto Paul’s time commanding Special Forces in Kandahar…