Five-hundred words. That’s what Bonnie told me. “For your first President’s Letter, introduce yourself,” she said.
“How many words?” I countered, like a schoolboy trying to game the homework assignment.
“Five-hundred,” came the response. “Well,” I exhaled, “that is 200 more than Leonidas had men.” So, in the spirit of brevity and modern times, I decided a listicle would best do the trick. Spoiler Alert: I have no experience writing listicles.
First. Newspaper. Article. Ever.
It was a combined effort. I was three. My brother Kenny was two. We did a lot together. We published a newspaper. We typed it on a 1920s Royal typewriter given to my mother before she went to college. The one and only issue contained two articles. One covered the Kennedy assassination. It went like this: “Oswald killed Kennedy. Ruby killed Oswald.” I think we were holding the edition for the ultimate third shoe to drop. It never did.
Rebel Without a Clause
As a sophomore in high school, I convinced my AP English class to not do the homework assignment (writing a literary analysis on a novel). My teacher said, “You either analyze a novel or write a novel.” My classmates cowered and wrote their analyses. I wrote a novel. It stinks.
First Column
March 27, 1989 – “Only Heels Can Be Heroes” Printed in the Mendon-Honeoye Falls-Lima Sentinel, it explained how those who take the greatest risks achieve the greatest rewards. It was well-received. Confident, my third column offered a lifestyle piece entitled “What’s With The Duke of Earl?” Within days, the mail brought a crinkled-up page of the column with the handwritten scrawl screaming “For this they cut down trees?” I smoothed it out and framed it. It remains prominently displayed on a shelf in my den.
First Writing Award
“The Emperor Exposed,” Financial Planning Journal, October 2005. It revealed index funds don’t always work. The Bogleheads attacked me. Good thing this was before Facebook.
Best-Ever Interview
John Bogle. He pretty much agreed with everything I wrote in my 2005 article.
How I Learned About NSNC
I joined NSNC after attending Suzette’s session at the 2017 NYPA conference. I figured, “I’m a columnist for a newspaper; I should join NSNC.” After Manchester, I knew I had found a home.
Hardest Column to Write
Two weeks after Manchester my brother Kenny died. He had cancer. He asked me to do the eulogy. I wanted to bring people to the brink of tears but yank them back to laughter. My brother wanted me to do that, too. I did. The priest said five minutes. I took 20. I hate editors. That eulogy became three weeks of columns.
Best Advice from an Editor
“Be provocative.” I don’t hate all editors.
Most Dangerous Advice from an Editor
See above.
I am honored and excited to serve as your president these next two years.
This is exactly 500 words (including the title), or is it? (Caveat emptor: I can be sneaky.)
